How to Not Die Alone The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
⛰ What It’s About
This “simple-to-use guide” (Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone) focuses on a different decision in each chapter, incorporating insights from behavioral science, original research, and real-life stories. You’ll learn:
-What’s holding you back in dating (and how to break the pattern)
-What really matters in a long-term partner (and what really doesn’t)
-How to overcome the perils of online dating (and make the apps work for you)
-How to meet more people in real life (while doing activities you love)
-How to make dates fun again (so they stop feeling like job interviews)
-Why “the spark” is a myth (but you’ll find love anyway
🔍 How I Discovered It
It on my radar since early of this Year, this book keep coming on my recommendation afterwards. I think this is some kind of omen that i meant to read this book haha
🧠 Thoughts
Nothing comes in my mind that i will read book with this Genre, I mean relationship guidance turns out the book was pretty good. The only things that bothers me is the tittle sound overkill in my opinion.
The advice was rather sound for finding and keeping love and she included practical exercises for working through your emotions and thoughts.
🥰 Who Would Like It?
This book should be for anyone, regardless age, status and your intention. Because this book is not only talk about relationship but the practical approach on relationship
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How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
Logan Ury
Last accessed on Tuesday July 5, 2022
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Love is something effortless, natural, organic. You fall in love,
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Great relationships are built, not discovered. A lasting relationship doesn’t just happen. It is the culmination of a series of decisions, including when to get out there, whom to date, how to end it with the wrong person, when to settle down with the right one, and everything in between.
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Behavior change is a two-step process. First we’ll learn about the invisible forces driving your behavior, those errors in judgment that lead to costly mistakes.
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Step two is designing a new system that helps you shift your behavior and achieve your goal.
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Dating is harder now than ever before.
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Swarthmore, have shown that while people crave choice, too many options can make us feel less happy and more doubtful of our decisions. They call this the paradox of choice.
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Great relationships are built, not discovered. But our minds are often stuck in a trap, thinking that by combing through hundreds of options, we’ll be closer to knowing whether the one in front of us is “right.”
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I find this is especially true for men, who tend to have smaller social networks and fewer people with whom they can share their fears. They’re even less likely to talk to their friends about their problems and learn that everyone, at one time or another, experiences relationship hardships.
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The Romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships. The Maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. The Hesitater has unrealistic expectations of themselves.
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When it comes to romantic relationships, psychologist Renae Franiuk found that people have either a soul mate mindset, the belief that relationship satisfaction comes from finding the right person; or a work-it-out mindset, the belief that relationship success derives from putting in effort.
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In comparison, those with the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you. People with the work-it-out mindset tend to fare better in relationships because when they stumble, they put in the work needed to get the relationship back on track, rather than giving up.
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“It was seen as a very exciting moment, akin to a kind of illness, a kind of ecstatic moment. Love stood outside of ordinary experience… almost like a religious visitation. And it might have occurred to someone only once in their life. It was not generally seen to be something that you should act upon in any practical way. You let it wash over you, you let it guide an intense summer in your youth, but you certainly didn’t marry according to it.”
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Finding someone can be hard, but often the real challenge comes later. The hard part is the daily work you put in to grow and sustain a great relationship.
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Work-it-out mindset shift Love takes work—from finding it to keeping it alive. Waiting around at the farmers’ market just won’t cut it. You need to put in effort to find someone.
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First off, don’t believe what you see on Instagram. Images are cropped, blurred, and distorted to send a message.
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even when they select an objectively worse option. (I mean, come on. Your friend’s Nespresso machine didn’t even make Wirecutter’s top picks!) That’s because Maximizers constantly second-guess themselves. They suffer doubly: first in the agony leading up to the decision, and again every time they worry they’ve made the wrong one.
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“Maximizers make good decisions and end up feeling bad about them. Satisficers make good decisions and end up feeling good.”
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Maximizers obsess over making the right decision.
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Satisficers figure out what they want and stop looking once they’ve met their criteria.
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The power of rationalization can also help us embrace our decisions.
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You’ll never be 100 percent ready for anything, including—and perhaps especially—dating. The urge to wait until you feel fully self-actualized is understandable.
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The first opportunity cost is losing the chance to learn.
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original selections? While we instinctively prefer reversible decisions to irreversible ones, this flexibility often make us less happy in the long run. We’d rather be able to change our minds—return our new phone, switch our flight to a different day, reply “maybe” to an event. But it turns out, just like the students who could switch their pictures, we’re less committed to choices we think we can reverse, and commitment is crucial for happiness.
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Seven Simple Steps to Block ’Em Like It’s Hot: Take a deep breath. Grab your phone. Delete their number. Block them. Block them on everything. Social media, email, your bed, etc. If their mom or sister follows you, block them, too. (It might seem harsh, but you’re protecting your future self against mom postings of your ex with a new boo under the mistletoe.) Actually delete their number this time. I know you have it saved elsewhere. I’ll wait. Burn your phone. (Just kidding, but you honestly might want to limit your screen time during this initial separation phase.) Oh, and don’t forget the payment app Venmo. Seeing your ex send Venmo money to some new fling for—Oh, God, is that an eggplant emoji?!?! THEY NEVER SENT ME AN EGGPLANT EMOJI!—is doing nothing for your emotional wellness.
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This distortion leads to panic. And when they don’t hear back from their partners immediately, they worry they’re being abandoned.
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“Anxiously attached folks,” I said, “and I’m not pointing any fingers here, also engage in ‘protest behavior.’ ”
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anxiously attached
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avoidantly attached
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securely attached
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A good relationship has space for different people with different hobbies.
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“Kind partners are awesome. They’re generous, they’re empathic, and they want to be supportive of you.”